American English - an Oxymoron

It's a wonder that we have survived nearly six weeks in this place without getting punched or verbally abused, contracting food poisoning, or having a serious car accident. With the discrepancies in meanings between South African English and American English, we are practically learning a foreign language.

I mean, where am I supposed to drive when the tarred road surface is called the pavement, and the pavement is called the sidewalk? How do I operate a car when a bonnet is a hood and a boot is a trunk, and neither one is opened, but both are popped? Do I toot my horn or hoot at the truck (which is in fact, a bakkie - a truck is either an 18-wheeler or a big rig or a hauler or any number of other things)?

Where do I put my laundry when a washing machine is a washer and a washer is a... O-ring? I don't even know what a washer is called here. A geyser is called a water heater, and a hot spring is a geyser. A cistern, believe it or not, is actually a tanker truck and has nothing to do with the house plumbing. If I ask a shop assistant for the bathroom, they wonder if I need an emergency shower. Toilet sounds too crude, I have to remember to ask for the restroom.

What do I wear when a vest is a waistcoat and an undershirt is a vest? Do I wear a vest over my dress shirt and an undershirt under my shirt dress?

Where do I sleep when a single bed is a twin bed, and a three-quarter is a full size? Luckily, a queen is a queen and a king is a king, but how big is a California king? A night frill is a bed skirt, but could someone please explain what a sham is? In SA, you certainly would not buy anything advertised to include a sham.

What do I eat when Cinnabon is a breakfast treat, and maize porridge (grits) is eaten savoury with eggs and bacon? When sausage is not the same as sausages, and hamburger is not the same as hamburgers? You can eat sausage on biscuits (English muffins) and hamburger with macaroni. A vienna is a frank, and boerewors doesn't exist. If you ask for mince meat you get fruit mince, if you want minced meat you ask for ground meat. A rib roast is not a rib eye roast, is not a rib eye steak, is not an eye round steak. And what the hell is tri-tip? Could I ask the butcher to show me his weiners, or would that be inappropriate?
Tomato sauce is ketchup, tomato puree is tomato sauce, fresh tomato sauce is pasta sauce (I think). Cherry tomatoes are grape tomatoes... oy vey.

I told Nikhil we were going to Food Source - he wanted to know if he could have some food sauce too? Brad in particular is having trouble pronouncing "sauce" and "source" in American.

And where do I buy all these things when a shop is a workshop and a store is a shop? What would people in South Africa think if I told them I work in a drug store? Drugs are medicines and narcotics are drugs - our narcotics are called, what? Sedative-hypnotics? Really looking forward to the first week at work...

I arranged to meet a guy in 20 minutes, and told him I would see him "just now". He seemed alarmed and told me he would rather see me later.

At least Nikhil seems to be adapting. After Thanksgiving lunch, he discovered there's a whole BUNCH of people who speak just like Malissa, and now he's started pronouncing all his R's at the end of words, like "wateR", "betteR", "grateR". He even told me he'd had a good "ideaR". I don't think he believed me when I told him IDEA doesn't end in an R. He'll have to hear it from Malissa, I suppose...