The modern family unit

I just realised what a strange sight we must make when we go out as a family. Yesterday at the mall, Brad was walking ahead pushing both kids in the double stroller, as I trailed behind, gulping in all the new sights, sounds and smells on offer. (How do men do that - walk into a new mall in a new city, new COUNTRY, and walk straight to a pre-determined spot, without slowing down to take in all the details and nuances of the fashion, decor, quality of the new place?)

So there Brad was, wearing his Mr. Mom t-shirt to boot, and it dawned on me that we have a pretty strange family at the moment. Our roles are fluid and undefined - we're both caregivers, both home makers, both decision makers. I'm the breadwinner, he's the one who does the grocery shopping, and yet the power hasn't shifted. That's probably because it was pretty balanced in the first place. We're both focused on achieving the life we've envisioned, and it doesn't matter who baths the kids and who brings in the paycheck.

Still, being the mom and the working parent has its unique challenges. We're taking turns putting Nikhil to bed at night, because I do need to study (and putting Nikhil to bed takes an hour). He's having trouble accepting it - he says he wants me to put him to bed every night, and it tears my heart out. I feel so guilty for being firm with him, even though I know my alternate contribution to the family is essential.

I still worry that the kids won't be ok if I'm not around - that Brad will forget to feed and water them, or change Ariane's nappy, or whatever, despite all previous evidence that he is actually the more attentive caregiver. Brad suggested I spend the day at the library tomorrow, studying, and my first reaction was, "But will you be ok with the kids?" Um, that's his full-time job from now on...

Travelling here was also more challenging, compared to having the dad as the working parent. We're not the first family to have done it, but things are so much simpler for working dads. They travel alone first, sleep on the plane, and sort out the admin unencumbered when they arrive. They sleep off the jet lag undisturbed, albeit in a crappy hotel. Then they drive around (on the other side of the road) with no-one to distract them, and go to Homeland Security and the bank and the estate agent and the new employer and the electricity provider... Then, when all that's sorted out, they send for the wife and kids, and go off to work.

Being the mom, I couldn't leave the kids in South Africa for four weeks. So we traveled with them, stayed awake when they were awake, tried to anticipate their disturbed appetites. We crammed them into the crappy hotel with us, drove around on the other side of the road with them shouting and complaining in the back, and dragged them along to all sorts of interminably boring official offices. And now they have to get used to Mom not putting them to bed, as I have been all their lives.

A year ago, I was fretting to my dad about the possibility of us leaving when Ariane was only 3 months old. "It won't be so bad," he said dismissively. "My uncle took his wife and 2-week old baby to live in Australia 35 years ago, and he worked and didn't have a problem!" Well, Dad, did it ever occur to you that your uncle didn't carry the baby for nine months, give birth to it, breastfeed it, and carry it for a further 9 months to a year?

I really can't complain - Brad is a super mom-dad, and has no ego issues with being the primary parent. I couldn't ask for more, really. A woman at the mall looked at his Mr. Mom t-shirt and asked me if he lived up to the name. The answer was a sincere "Oh yes!".

I just have to constantly remind myself that our family is strange to some, and not everyone understands our motives. So many people find it hard to believe that Brad is not looking for a job; even more immediately assume he must therefore be a bum. Oh, well, we love our crazy, off-centre family life.

I'm off to bed - gonna give that bum a big thank-you kiss!